Review With a Capital "EW"

Slow Hands by Leslie Kelly
Review by Diva


The Story:

Icy lonelyhearts rich girl Maddy goes to a charity bachelor auction to keep her new stepmom from cuckolding dad by paying money for some hunky humping. She outbids Stepmommy on Bachelor #19, the "gorgeous, muscular, friendly" Jake the paramedic. He likes Maddy. She is disgusted that he was in a charity bachelor auction and makes the hip-breakingly wild cognitive leap that because he auctioned off a date to a ball game with himself he must be a high priced man-ho. She does him anyway. He doesn't tell her he isn't a gigolo because she has walls around her heart (I imagine them being cute lego brick walls) and needs to control the relationship by paying him or something. It's like Pretty Woman--all the cynicism without the fun shopping. Then they develop Feelings-with-a-capital-wtF and drama follows involving her sister's upcoming loveless-match wedding, her dad's fourth marriage, and a bypass surgery.
 
 
What Worked:

Convenience-- I was sick and needed something to read, ergo it was the obvious choice. 
Frugality--it was free. I feel dirty now.
 
What Didn't Work:

Characterization--the Diva had to refer back to the book twice to confirm the names of the main characters despite third person narration and the fact I had read the names hundreds of times. No one has a personality. I was compelled to call them Uppity Hot Girl and Washboard Abs. It is also a challenge to believe that Uppity is truly as icy as her adjectives declare when she yanks up her tank top and commences dry humping outside the bar on the first date (excuse me, non-date they are just friends---I have friends, we NEVER do stuff like that)
 
Motivation--Dear Washboard (May I call you by your first name?): She thinks you are a whore. She gives you a check for 30K to be "exclusive" and service her for one month. Explain to me why you would do this. 'Because she is Uppity Hot Girl' is not an acceptable answer.  Love, Diva
 
Names--in addition to Uppity and Washboard, we have characters named Tabby and Bitsy. 

Talking about the Relationship--if Diva had to talk about her feelings and relationships half this much she would be single 4evah. I don't even think I *have* that many feelings. The angsty angst of being a rich woman with  "large luscious breasts and a tiny, tiny waist" who is for some reason paying for it made me giggle a lot until i realized that the only person who should have to listen to her many many thoughts on trust and the impossibility of romantic love would be a trained therapist.